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The Void

I'm acutely aware that I haven't written anything here since February, as I stare at the void of time between my last post and now. That wasn't by choice, life just got a little complicated for a while. I have a few posts that I'm working on, but because there's been such a large gap I feel a need to explain my absence.

Then I thought, why? Does anyone even want to know the (mostly mundane) reasons why I haven't been posting? No, probably not, and I don't particularly want to write them either. I like writing, but if it feels like a drag to write then it's probably going to feel like a drag to read, too!

I thought a far more interesting post would be an exploration of exactly why I (and presumably at least some others, too) feel a need to explain absence online. So here I am, about to do exactly that.

Social media

The most obvious explanation is that we're all so used to social media and its constant stream of updates, every minute of every single day, that any gap is almost deemed a death of an online persona. Not posting for a few days (at least for us "normal" folk) is acceptable, but if you don't post for weeks, months, or heaven forbid years, you're basically presumed dead. In an online presence sense, that is, not (hopefully) literally.

Blogs are a little different, but even in this sphere if you're not posting very regularly, a large portion of any readership you have will stop paying attention. Google certainly will, if that's a factor for you (and you're "lucky" enough to have even been noticed to begin with).

I'm actually not bothered about any of these things. I write what I do here for pleasure and I like to think that in today's age of AI, I'm also helping to inject some actual humanity and thought grounded in reality. But there used to be a time where those things very much did bother me, and I think I'm allowing my past self to bleed into my present self, albeit subconsciously.

I need to stop that. Bad Jackie.

Especially given I'm not even sure a single person reads anything here yet. The site is still pretty new and I certainly don't go out of my way to promote it anywhere. Promotion is not something I'm good at, quite the opposite. I need to remind myself not to give a fuck, that the audience in my head is, at this stage at least, imaginary. Even if there were an audience, I still should have no fucks to give. Don't get me wrong, I'd be incredibly flattered if people were reading my words, but that's not my primary motivation here.

This is my space, for my words, to take in any direction I please. If people like it, that's a massive bonus, but it shouldn't be a motivator. Writing and the exploration of ideas is my only real motivation, when all is said and done.

Social norms

To a lesser extent, the social convention of feeling a need to explain yourself has a role here, too. In some ways it's a strange relationship that you have with readers of your writing. They're not, for the large part, your friends exactly, but it's easy to see people that way in your mind and that's where the trouble begins. For me at least.

I write this from the perspective of, as previously mentioned, not yet having an audience. I did once have one however, as I've been blogging for many years on and off since the early 2000's. I've experienced what it was like to blog regularly in the years before social media came along to disrupt the world of bloggers. Back then I had an audience of a few hundred. That might sound paltry now but in the days before smartphones, when it wasn't super common to even own a computer (at least in my circles), to me it felt like a pretty big deal for a personal blog. Some of those readers did actually become friends, and perhaps that's how the lines got blurred a little. The internet felt like a much cosier place then. Perhaps some part of me is still grieving for those days.

My point is that when you subconsciously see the numbers in your stats as potential friends, or at least acquaintances, it's easy to allow that to influence the need to explain yourself. Friends require upkeep and part of that upkeep is providing explanations, even sometimes apologies, for your absences. So the urge to write "I'm sorry for..." posts that really nobody is that interested in, is strong!

I should add that I was recently diagnosed with ADHD (which I really need to write about!), so perhaps this only applies to the neurodivergent among us. Or at least, we feel it so much harder. Most of us have spent our entire lives trying, and often completely failing, to navigate the world of social norms and expectations. Gaps between contact being but one facet of this. Some of us can go literal years without talking to someone but still very much count them as a friend, happy to chat again whenever, as though only a few days have gone by. I think the popular term for this within ADHD circles is time blindness.

Most people don't operate like that however, so those of us who are wired a bit differently are in danger of over compensating for it because we're keenly aware of our shortcomings. We will go silent on you, we do completely forget to respond to emails, invitations, DMs etc. Then when we realise (often far too late) we're crippled with soul crushing guilt at the prospect of having potentially ruined yet another relationship. The doom spiral is a very real thing in this scenario!

As much of the internet is in essence a social gathering place, these norms apply here, too. There is still that underlying social contract in every interaction. Admittedly blog posts have less of those expectations than say, emails or private messages, but it still applies to some extent.

I'm not sure this is another example that warrants a bad Jackie, as honestly I'm still trying to come to terms with, and find workarounds for, my still very new diagnosis. I should definitely stop putting guilt on myself for not posting as often as I'd like, though. Especially given the whole time blindness thing - it applies to many things in life (paying bills, returning calls, meeting deadlines etc), so why would I not expect it to apply here, too? Equally, if a gap in time between conversations doesn't loosen my bond with a person, why should it do so with my blog?

Plus, it's not like this is paying my bills, I have nobody to answer to but myself. And honestly, it's not that damn serious, brain!

The pressures of writing

I love to write, I really do. I write almost every single day, time and energy levels allowing, even if it's only in my private journal. It's not only a blessed creative outlet for me, it's therapy too. Over the past few years especially I've come to realise how important it is to me.

You can do so many things with words. Unlike say, painting or photography, all the tools you need are right there within you and provided you have the desire, all you need is a pen and paper or a keyboard and screen. You don't even need an end goal like a poem or a novel or as in this case, a blog post, to benefit from it. Again, I now suspect that maybe it's the ADHD coming into play, but I find just the physical sensation / experience of a pen (particularly a fountain pen) gliding across paper to be hugely satisfying, even therapeutic. It relaxes me and allows me to clear my usually very crowded brain.

That said, I've always had a very keen relationship with words. I was an avid reader from an extremely young age. From the age of 6 I remember consuming Enid Blyton books like they were in danger of becoming extinct. By the age of 10 I'd moved on to a passion for Dickens and Twain, among others. I don't say this to make out like I was some kind of child genius, I absolutely was not, but I did have a passion for books and the words within them.

I began writing poetry when I was 9. Not voraciously, it was an occasional occurrence, but it was there nonetheless. Sadly my high school years were, lets say difficult. My love of books was still there and I started journalling, but my love of the schooling system died pretty quickly. I drifted, and by the end I was far more interested in music, becoming non-sober in a variety of ways, having a good time with friends, and the opposite sex, than I was in academia. I'm 52 now, so this was all a very long time ago, and the person that I used to be now feels like a stranger to me.

Nonetheless, by the time I was 21 (and a single parent) my love of books and writing came to the fore again and I went to university part time to study English Language and Literature. It was hard juggling a young baby and studies, but I loved every second of it. Trying to complete an essay at 1 am when you knew you'd be woken again around 6 am for the morning feed wasn't ideal, but such is life. Somehow I managed it, and did pretty well at it too. Unfortunately major life events got in the way of me completing that degree (I did complete 3 of 5 years), but I don't regret a second of it. It taught me a lot and though I can't recite Shakespeare or Chaucer (my memory is beyond atrocious), many of those lessons remain with me to this day.

That was a slight tangent, but it's leading up to the point that although I very much enjoy writing, there is this little voice in the back of my head that applies pressure in me to produce not just any old writing, but quality writing. Which might be fair enough if I was writing a novel or dissertation, but I'm doing neither here. Don't get me wrong, I think trying to do your best not to write complete dross is definitely something to strive for, but again, this is a personal blog and not that damn serious! I don't think the odd super casual post is out of place.

BAD JACKIE!

My uni days are seemingly so ingrained in my psyche that I almost find it impossible to write in a casual, relaxed way. I'm seriously not stuffy about these things, I read and enjoy plenty of blogs where many of the posts are just about a person's observations of their day, or them wanting to share something interesting they've come across. I love that kind of post as much as I enjoy reading essay style musings.

The lesson here is to relax more, I think. I'm not here to appease a publisher or a panel of judges. It's just me, my keyboard and screen and anyone who happens to stumble upon my site. Writing with some imagined literary judge on my shoulder is basically a form of self-sabotage and definitely isn't helpful to anyone. It actively prevents me from picking up a pen or hammering on my keyboard, so it's actually counter-productive.

Keep it simple, and just write.

I manage to do exactly that in my journal most days, I should start applying those principles here sometimes too. Life hands you enough pressures already, there's no need to start adding more where it's not warranted.

Realisations

In the writing of this post, I've come to the conclusion that actually, the void doesn't really exist. It may appear that way on the page, but between my last post and now I've been busy living life and dealing with "stuff".

That void is deceptive. It doesn't tell you about my day to day reality, or my Dad being in hospital a few times (he's ok now, thankfully), or the work I've been doing on other things, or the things I've been struggling through. But they've all been there, nonetheless.

I think all of us bloggers who feel guilt for not posting as regularly as we'd like to should remember that. Blogs are great, but nothing should take priority over living life. Nobody should feel bad for not having the time, or having higher priorities. I still hold great value in the concept of a personal blog, but for most of us it's just a hobby and should be an enjoyable pastime, not an obligation.

After all, without that life which interferes with our blogging plans, what would we have to write about? I'm letting myself off the hook, and you should do the same.

And I'm most definitely firing that shadowy judge.