Winter Blues

I've been MIA from my usual online haunts for most of this year so far. That's down to the time of year - depression strikes me particularly hard during the winter months. I was struggling from the end of November, by the time January rolled around I felt very burnt out. This wasn't a surprise to me, it happens every year. I've lived with treatment resistant (meaning SSRI's don't work for me) depression for around 25 years. It's not that I only get depressed during winter, but it's usually much, much worse.

Depression can be so hard because it robs you of the joy you would normally find in things. Like music, which is a huge part of my life. Especially in recent years, since discovering The Skinner Brothers and becoming so involved in the community around them that I help moderate the official Facebook group and YouTube channel, admin the Discord server and even co-own a whole blog dedicated to them. I'm also a (admittedly currently very lazy) moderator for another amazing group, Love Ghost.

That community and the others that are springing up around it has become my life. Don't get me wrong, I hate Facebook with a passion. Literally the sole reason I use it is because of the group and the community within it. I've made so many good friends over the last few years, and being someone who is unable to work due to ill health, it's given my days some direction again.

So when I say I love it, I really mean that. But even that isn't enough to defeat the annual winter episode of depression.

How do I deal with this? Generally by backing away from all social contact and burying myself in gaming. I love the people I've grown to know, but people are exhausting. When you have Anxiety / Depression and likely ADHD too, constantly being around people is draining at the best of times, even when it's online. It's difficult to explain without sounding like the most anti-social person ever, but if you know, you know.

Gaming is my sanctuary and has been for many years. Specific types of games, especially those where I can build things, allow me to escape my own head when I'm feeling particularly rough mentally. I tend to go into hyper-focus mode and lose track of time very easily, which is at least partially a blessing when it's a struggle to get through each day. Maybe not the healthiest way to deal with it, but there are plenty worse.

Journalling is a powerful tool, too. I don't keep a digital journal, it's (fountain) pen and paper only. Aside from the positive effects of emptying my head of whatever is on my mind that day, I hugely enjoy the physical, tactile nature of pen on paper. There's something calming, almost meditative, about it. I've often said that I've found journalling to be the best form of therapy I've ever had, and I stand by that statement.

I've tried so hard this year to not back away from the things that I usually would during these times, but I've also learnt it's just kind of inevitable. Depression, when at its worst, is very difficult to fight. Sometimes it's best to just allow yourself to go through it, rather than fighting a losing battle. If I struggled on, I'd end up having a breakdown, which is helpful to nobody.

I have been slightly better though. Not on the socialising front, but I've still managed to do things other than gaming. Like this website. My brain works in weird ways - I haven't been able to do much writing at all, but I have been able to lose myself in the "joy" of things like css and customised Obsidian set ups. I now have an amazing local reading tracker and a very tight system for writing (which I'm using to write this very post) across all of my various projects.

It's still been a really rough month, but I felt a shift in mood last week, triggered by two things.

The first thing was the surprise release of a live album from The Skinner Brothers - 25 to Live. It was recorded at the London venue of last year's tour (I went to two shows, but not that one unfortunately) and it's brilliant. Very representative of a live show and it lifted my spirits immeasurably!

The second thing - I finally got my new desk set up. This isn't the best photo, just a quick snap from my phone, but here it is:

I absolutely love it! I'd been using a tiny thing which was little more than a plain table as a temporary measure. That "temporary measure" went on for 6 years. This new desk is a whopping 2 metres long, and it feels like heaven. I've gone from being cramped in a tiny space to having more room than I know what to do with!

It's honestly perked me right up. The draws at either side now hold an assortment of things, from headphones and journals to fountain pens, washi tape, stickers and photography equipment. All of the creative things that I love doing are now in one place.

And suddenly... I'm writing again.

Nothing ground breaking admittedly, but writing is writing. I have a goal this year of doing much more of that, and so even if I'm writing complete gibberish, I want to try and do it at least every other day, if not more. Even if it's just a few paragraphs. I'm trying to build the habit of writing so that it feels like more of a natural part of my routine. I have to be a little realistic because of health stuff, but if I'm feeling able I'll be putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard as often as possible.

I'm very lucky to have a lot of supportive people in my life. Not only family, but my fellow mods and admins in The Skinner Brothers community. Especially the amazing lady who I co-write Bad Brains with. She's had my back these last couple of months, with no hesitation and not so much as a whisper of complaint.

As much as I sometimes struggle with people, I'd also be lost without them.

Onwards and upwards, eh? I'm so ready for Spring!